just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
