I heard we made out
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
