After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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