he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
