Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
