Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
