So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
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Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
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Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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