guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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