I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
