Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
