Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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