atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
