Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Pants are for mortals
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
