He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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