I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
