So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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