The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
