I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize