she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
