Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
