honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
