Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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