My cat gives me a boner
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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