im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
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This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
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honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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