Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
