You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
