I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
my being single is dangerous.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
