So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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