How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I stole a fireplace last night.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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