God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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