I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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