Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
