i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
