I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
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I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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