I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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