I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
