I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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