My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
