I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
