Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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