Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
