Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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