She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
