you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
