Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
