Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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