Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
