Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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