Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
