I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
