I'm laying in your front yard are you home
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
