I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
