I could have mohawked her pubes.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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