You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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