I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
