k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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