cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
