I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
