She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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