i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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